10 Habits of Highly Wanky Runners

Collated from contributions from the running community and summarised below.  The Proper Ard committee met over a vegan sausage roll to discuss and shortlist the wank list for illustration of the habits of wanky runners.

10: “Stopping your Garmin at 26.2 miles and claiming a PB when the finish line is half a mile away”

Generally trusting GPS data is ok, but getting an anomaly and suddenly thinking you are Mo Farah.

“New 1 mile PB.” Yes but it’s a PB by 4 minutes and you reached a top speed of 73 mph.  Then claiming distance PBs during a race but the official race finishes further down the road.  You explain the tunnels, tall buildings, gps interference, but they have none of it.  “Its on Strava”

 Wankery  score 7/10

 

9: “Definitely the ‘Description Wankers’… Sharing their “700 yard run to start to coach the beginners” or “Look at me as I helped Janet finish”… No! Janet was perfectly capable of finishing without your ‘help’ thanks. Or,  naming their runs ‘leg test’ or ‘heavy legs after sunday’ or ‘tempo 5km'”

Strava title wankery is a self esteem protection mechanism thinking people really care about your shit run.  Training session/Long run/Race is absolutely fine.  Not the full instructions to filing your tax return.  Creative Wankery

Wankery score 7/10

 

8: “Running extra 400m after a run to get a round number or Walking around the house to get to 10000 steps.  “

An obsession with distances can easily be changed by using Miles or KMs but once your run is done, the extra 200m or 10 steps to the shitter and back makes no bloody difference.  Running up and down a path to get the extra 10m when everyone else has stopped is total wankery

Wankery Score 7/10

7: “When they making out completing an ultra is an achievement, when in actual fact they have walked/jogged/had a 3 course meal/done a sudoku in the middle of it.”

Ultras take a bit of effort to complete, but you have not crossed the Sahara unsupported.  If you went on a weekend in the Lakes, you would do the same thing, but maybe stop in a pub rather than an aid station and not wear a number.   Completing without trying is Ultra  wankery

Wankery Score 8/10

 

6: “Wearing headphones on a multi lap race and not being aware of faster runners lapping them. But then wearing headphones In a race generally is a wanky thing to do!”

Headphones and music, podcasts, books is acceptable.  Whatever motivates your  TRAINING , long runs, interest, education etc but NOT in a race.  It’s ignorant to others, marshals, volunteers and other runners who will politely shout, “on your right” but you are too much of a wanker to hear them.   Boss Level Wankery

Wankery Score 8/10

5: “Stopping a watch during rests of a 12 x 400m interval session and claiming a new 5k PB”

Yes, its 4800m, but that’s the point.  Doing any interval session that gives a cumulative distance close to a race distance and claiming that you may be able to keep that up for the whole thing.  With a warm up run, the garmin may report a 5k pb if you stopped the watch on the rest intervals.   You have a Phd in Wankery to do this

Wankery  score 9/10

 

4: “Specifically going out to beat a single Strava segment”

Waiting for a tailwind, walking and jogging to get there, then unleashing hell along the road like Usain Bolt just to get that digital crown and annoy a local runner who jogged the route whilst visiting the family.    Olympic Level Wankery

Wankery score: 10/10

 

3: Heel clicks

Jumping in the air for a photo and doing a really wankery pose/face.   If you can do that, then try running harder.  Jumping in front of others to do this and spoil their photo is professional standard wankery

Extreme Wankery  11/10

 

2: “Ensuring you take a video when the weather is horrible/cold so everyone know what a legend you are for being out in it.”

People can generally use their eyes to see the weather, but putting safety at risk just for Instagram and Twitter likes by saying you went out in the brutal weather and are hard as fuck.  Best of all, you take photos of your legs with long socks on to show you are proper hard for wearing shorts or you post photos of muddy shoes and legs in case your fans question that your off road run was muddy.

Proper ard Wankery

Wankery Score 12/10

 

1: “Taking selfies/timed pictures, every single time they go for a run”

It borders on narcissism. Taking the odd selfie is one thing, but every single run and posting on a daily basis is craving attention. Run somewhere different or interesting and stage a photo for a memory, but to feel you have to do this every run and sometimes the same staged jump over a log from 2-3 different angles is too far.  You may be better off doing some training instead.  Making videos of your training runs going through styles and over bridges is grounds for being known as Field Marshal Wanker, you hold the wanking gauntlet of all wank stones.  You need to change your name to Wayne Kerr.

Wankery score 110/10

 

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8 thoughts on “10 Habits of Highly Wanky Runners

  1. Re: number 7… I’m far from athletic in form or fitness. I did, however have a brief flirtation with running. For me, the pinnacle of my distance attempts was a couple of half marathons, and my PB is three and a half hours. You can mock me for going slowly, and certainly I’m no Mo… but please be assured I pushed and pushed to achieve that. I get your gist and you’re very funny, but spare a thought for us sad fat slow people who still feel like we’ve achieved something when we cross the line.

    Like

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