How to Run in Cold Weather

It’s January,  it’s winter.  You run.  People often fail to prepare to run in cold weather so here are the Proper Ard Top Tips for tackling the chill.

  1. Wake up at 6am and check your phone, make sure you tag in @6amclub on twitter to tell people you are going for a run
  2. Complain to significant other that you don’t want to go out and run and look for sympathy.
  3. Get dressed then take a selfie to post on Instagram to say how much you hate running.
  4. Put on unilite headtorch
  5. Open the door, then go back upstairs and tell significant other that you cannot believe how dark it is.
  6. Go back downstairs, check phone for responses to your tweets
  7. Go back upstairs and tell significant other that you cannot believe how cold it is
  8. Go back downstairs, check phone, take another selfie
  9. Go out and start walking.  Motorboat your cheeks, rub your hands and engage satellites
  10. Jog slowly at tempo recovery pace until crossing paths with another jogger wearing  racecheck visor
  11. Stop and talk to jogger, asking them if they can believe how cold it is.
  12. Stop and talk to bloke from pub walking his dog and ask “what are you doing out this early”
  13. Pretend his response of, “walking the dog” is a surprise
  14. Continue jog and try to hold stomach in and pump arms as you run past kids at the bus stop.  Remember to # with #inspiringourchildren later
  15. Pick up a crisp packet, take a selfie of you putting it in the bin to upload later.
  16. Stop by some steps, either a flyover, subway or train station
  17. Put your phone down, set up a timer, run 20 metres back, then run towards phone with top off, pick up phone, check the work.  Repeat as necessary and remember to tag #hillreps
  18. Continue to jog until you reach your 20 minute goal
  19. Return home, take more selfies then spend the next hour uploading selfies and videos and be late for work.
  20. Take a FitSnap and say “It was the coldest weather any human has ever ran in”
  21. Ensure you put your completed miles in a bag, and include in your twitter report
  22. Check for replies on Instagram and Twitter, thanking everyone for their comment congratulating you how hard you are.
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Interview with the face behind Proper Ard running.   Mr P. Ard.   Interviewed by Mr Seymour Butts 

What makes you Proper Ard?

I run in shorts, even in the winter.  That’s good enough for some.

What’s your running background?

Fortunately, I was born with 2 legs and progressed from walking to running.  Back in the early 1970s, I could just about crawl.  But over 40 odd years, through hard work, training and believing in myself I can run a marathon.  It’s incredible.  What’s even more remarkable is that I’ve put on 200kg during that time and still got faster.

How often do you run?

I’m currently on a 10,000 day run streak.  Usually take a rest day on a Friday, do virtual runs during the week but normally run 3 times a day.  Once to warm up, once until I need to stop for a shit, then another run to get home.

What’s your best race performance?

I once smashed a parkrun.  I was in 2nd, but we were smashing it and 3 minutes ahead of a bloke with a buggy.  The leader was about 20 metres ahead but took a wrong turn with 500m to go and I didn’t. So I won, new PB, AG record, 1st in AG, 1st Brit and beat all the shit runners.

How do you recover after running hard?

I do to my local carpet shop called Rug Munchers and its like a giant mangle.  I squeeze myself in between the huge rolls of carpet underlay and foam roll my whole body.

I then rub myself with snake oil and put on an infared recovery suit

What advice would you give for beginners?

Try to run for 60 minutes a day.  Spend 40 minutes of that taking selfies and you will be shit.

Proper Ard Interview

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