If like me, you crush parkrun every week, smash the opposition, dominate the field, teach everyone a lesson in how to be a proper runner then can’t wait to tell ukrunchat and the twitter massive then the research carried out by Prof Proper Ard  PhD et al (2019), Published in the British Journal of Applied Virtual Running, August 2019 will help you to optimize your tweetage in order to get maximum likes.

In the study, it was concluded that if you post a tweet to UKrunchat, regardless of whether you run sub 15 mins or run over 45 mins, the basic “Like” response is consistent.  Time of run posted has no influence on number of likes.  You can post any time you want, and no one actually gives a shit. There are other factors at play and the research found examples of how likes are generated, dependent on the accompanying bullshit tweeted.

As this study has been extensively peer reviewed, the examples are by no means exhaustive but serve to provide of the tools bullshit you can draw on to satisfy your need for approval.

“Brutal conditions” =10 likes

The  more brutal the better.  Don’t just say “Moist” or “a bit hot”  You have to go full retard.  “Hotter than an oven,” or “wetter than a tuna’s twat” will get maximum likes.  Imagine you are Bill Paxton in Twister and you will find the description working for you.

“On tired legs” = 8 likes

Whilst completely meaningless as there is no quantifiable unit of leg tiredness, you just do this to accept that the time was otherwise shit and you think you could run faster.  But it looks soooo much better written as.  “28.32 on tired legs” than “I only ran 28.20 today”

Written by others = 0 likes

Seymour Butts ran 27.32 today at Arsecrack Parkrun.     So what?  No one cares.

“Shocked and Surprised” =22 likes

Not only were your shocked, (10 likes) but being surprised as well more than doubles the like count.  Combine with a Selfie of you being shocked and surprised and the count goes to 50!   Being shocked and surprised is like throwing a cat into a lake.  The ripples spread far and wide and gain momentum as more and more people become shocked and surprised that you were shocked and surprised

“PB Klaxon”- 100 likes

No one has a clue what a PB Klaxon is, or whether you press it, stroke it, ring it, pull it or smash it.  But add a siren emoji and the likes just flow in.  No one even knows if it was a course PB, 5k PB, parkrun PB and neither do you. But add it in anyway.  Nothing will actually sound, despite your request but you get likes by the sack.

Use of the word “fuck” = 14 likes

Other rude words are available, but they all have the same effect.  “I fucked parkrun this morning”  or “Holy Fuck, I just ran 27.15”

It gets attention but the purists don’t like it and may unfollow you for the use of blue language so be mindful of your audience and only post after 9pm

“15^th win of the season”  = -10 likes

No one cares if you won, or you crushed a course record.  You are just being an elitist bellend.  Its not a race either.  Go and do Podium 5k or Ipswich, Armagh or Telford or summot if you are any good.  Fuck off!

“Running with Jake” = 0 likes

Not only are you embarrassing the person you were running with, by suggesting your run was shit because you were running with them, but it’s breaking GDPR rules and perhaps that person did not want their whereabouts shared online.  Perhaps they were trying to hide the affair, business trip or popping out for some milk and you stitched them up.

“Tempo run, enough to win”   = -100 likes.   Piss off!

“Hangover Parkrun”  = 5 likes.

You may have sympathisers with the alcoholic community but its your own fault and cant defend a shit time with booze.  You got up and did something, so worth a few.

“Shakeout”  = 0 likes

This is just a euphemism for having a wank before the start, and being a wanker who is disrespeking the others.  If you are doing the National XC that afternoon, then go do your shakeout somewhere else.  Parkrun is for serious recreational runners only.

SELFIEEEZZZZ= 250 likes

As long as you take a selfie of a sweaty face, with jizz on your chin and a stringy hanging from your nose you are onto a winner.  Don’t take the selfie in your house, take the selfie on parkrun site and get the frame in line.  The selfie is the single most important tip, so dont make it blurry, use lots of filters and #nofilter.

#Hashtags = 45 likes

If you can get some free shit, then hashtag away, but make your hashtags short so you get more in as they take up space to fit everything else in.  For example.

#parkrun #park #run #rn #r #runr #rnr #prkrnr #pb #prkrnpb #pr

The research concluded with the perfect post parkrun tweet to maximise likes without the need for a separate blog or multiple retweets:

“Fuck the PB Klaxon. Shocked and Suprised to have SMASHED my parkrun course 5k PB of 28 minutes in absolutely brutally hot, windy and torrential rain on tired legs.”

What races are you doing this year?

#parkrun #runr #run #park

And of course, remember your SELFIEEEEEEEEEE!

At least 5 times a day, I get emails like this.

Dear Mr Ard.

I wish I was you!

You are so amazing, I love your blog, I vote for you and love you.   Can you give me advice on how to get the most out of my virtual runs.

I’m very busy foam rolling, testing compression gear, writing my blog on the beach whilst the family are sat watching TV in the hotel, but I thought that I would share my knowledge and expert status to explain the benefits of virtual running.

Virtual running is a concept where you can choose to run, or choose to do fuck all. Make up some times and distances, send them to a website, pay £15 and get a 50 pence medal to take photos of for Instagram likes and followers.  You can upload via many platforms from a gps, take a photo of a treadmill, take a photo of someone else’s treadmill, strap a watch to a dog, or just write down some numbers on a piece of paper and snap a photo of it.

All methods count in the bullshit world of virtual running.   These are some of the many reasons why I virtual run every day.

• Unlimited mileage- easy to knock out 100 mile weeks without any fatigue
• No injuries- never suffer from shin splints or gluteal tendinopathy again
• Run 5 times a day- AT LEAST.  If someone runs 6 times, you can do 7
• Run anywhere in the world- Choose holiday photos to accompany a virtual run, or just download some
• Run with mates or alone- run with anyone you want, whether they are community members or not
• Blog about it- contribute to the number of boring blogs out there with what you wore, what time it was, what you had for breakfast, take a photo of your kit on the floor, take photos of your watch. Fill your boots.
• Do selfies- Take as many as you want.  They don’t have to have anything to do with running, just take a selfie of you outside then go back to bed.
• Choose your own PBs- Stop your watch when you like. Stop it at 58 mins and claim a virtual half marathon PB.  No one cares or can be arsed to check
• No washing- Wear the same kit every day, it never gets dirty
• No showering- do your bit for the environment.  Save the turtles by not showering!
• Avoid ignorant joggers- No need to fake a smile or get angry when people don’t say good morning.
• Maintain fitness when injured- 6-8 weeks without running is a shitter, but virtual running keeps you ticking over.  A study by  R Swipe, R Soul and B Verr (2017) concluded that 1 virtual mile is equivalent to 60mins if HIT recovery treadmill interval running.
• Buy medals- Buy as many as you want to show off to your mates, even though they had to cheat and jump the marathon barriers to get theirs.
• Join 6am Club-  I virtual run every morning at 6am and join the 6am club. Apart from Fridays where I go to the pool to piss in the lane.

Lots of virtual websites to look for, just search  (GDPR means I can’t link them here otherwise I get lynched by the community)

Good luck, thoughts and prayers to all those doing the Virtual London Marathon next week.

With almost 3 weeks to go the community are getting stiffies and moist about the prospect of running around the pollution filled streets of London, paying stupid prices for hotels and getting close enough to others on public transport to warrant wearing a condom.

It’s not a bad race, for a marathon major that gets miles in the bag, for £35, I’ll take it.

Avoid having a shit experience though by following the proper ard guide to the VMLMLMLM

Disclaimer:  This is a bit elitist as some readers didn’t get in via the ballot.  That’s ok.  Still follow the advice, run it virtually any time you like.  Then for next year, just get faster and get a champs entry.

Now:

1: Title every strava and social media update with “Last long run before London” even if its just a walk to the shop, a swim, mowing the lawn or just wrestling with cyclops.

“Last long run,” or “Last” anything will get the same fans from the community sending you good lucks, thoughts and prayers on a daily, or even hourly basis to keep you hard during the work day.

2: Plan your last long runs and parkruns for the next 3 weeks but ask the community before every run; “If I do a parkrun 2 weeks before, will I recover in time?”

Responses will vary from, “No way” to “You’ll be fine, smash it”

3: Instagram a selfie and do a daily countdown diary to piss everyone off on a daily basis.   Caption it with “This time in 4 weeks’ time, I will have run a marathon.”  OR

It’s only 24 days to go until VLMLMLM, despite the fact that everyone else knows.

Remember to add, on a daily basis that you “Literally, can’t wait”  Or you have a “Squeaky Bum” or “I’m so excited I just let out some wee”

2 weeks out

1: Become increasingly self aware of every slight bit of pain or niggle you have and ask the twitter Experts for advice.

For example;  “I have a blister on my little toe, should I foam roll my IT band?”

Or,  “My left shoe rubs, but my right shoe is fine.  Should I run in an asics on my left foot and a Nike on my right foot?”

2:  Pretend you are thick as shite and no one outside of London can either read a map or use the transport system, so ask questions about how to get from Canary Wharf, where you have paid £3000 a night for a hotel, to Greenwich.

3: Do your last long run before the marathon and tweet the hell out of it.

1 week before

1: Post daily that you are nervous and dont think you have trained enough and wont finish.  Thats about 75% of entrants so dont worry.  However, you need the experts to respond to each post with “You’ll be fine, smash it” or the ultimate solution.

“Just believe in yourself!

2: Do your last long run and remember to title it on strava, share it to facebook, twitter and the gram. Schedule it to repost every 2 hours

3: Do another run in your race kit, that you have worn before and know it fits but you still need to run it in, just so you can do another insta post of “Last long run dress rehearsal”

Day before.  Bit more to do today!

1: Go to the expo in your running kit. This lets everyone else know that you are at a marathon expo and you are a runner.  Look down your nose at those not in run kit and tell as many people as you can that you did Race to the Stones or walked a 50k Ultra marathon

2: Take lots of selfies with your number, and post at every opportunity. Set your watch to remind you to post selfies every 7 minutes at least.

3: Take a plastic bag with you and walk 20 laps around the energy food stands, Clif bars, High 5, Chia Charge etc and collect 3-4 samples per lap.  Within an hour you will have acquired about £300 worth of sugary shit you can keep for your your next long run.

4: Try out all the foam rolling products and spend £500 on snake oil compression kit

5: Put all your clothing, your vaseline, your number, your gels, visor, sunglasses, wet wipes and plasters on your bed and take a photo.  That way, all your followers know what you look like and can then phone or message you to ask you your number as they are too stupid to track you by your name.

6: Write a blog about your day at the expo.  Absolutely ZERO people are interested, but you get to include all the overpriced kit, the pacers walking around with their flags up their arse, how you fell off the treadmill and that you bought a running belt that will fall apart after the first use.

7: Take a goody bag, rummage through for anything useful and put in your running rucksack.   Then take your visor off and go back for another bag, and repeat until you have 20 free London pride beer tokens, 20 cans of Adidas deodorant, 20 cartons of flavoured jizz and a hundred bags of snot flavour chickpea crisps.

Race Day:

1:  You’ll be fine, smash it

2: Take a shit in your hotel toilet

3: Believe in yourself

4: Post finishers medal and T shirt on ebay for a quick sale of £120 for the two.

Apologies for not offending any ladies as this is predominantly observations from the testosterone fuelled male gym users.  Maybe in the name of research, similar observations could be carried out but there is risk of restraining orders.

Before any keyboard warriors like myself want to moan about these, remember these are the wanky exaggerations that wankers do.  A protein shake itself is not the wankiest think in the world, but mixing it like a wanker is.

Enjoy

1: Excessive use of Protein shakers

Given that the majority of gym users do not need to supplement protein, and that the product they are using is most likely to be overpriced milkshake that does bugger all, it’s not the action of mixing the shake in the changing room like they are dealing in class A drugs, measuring out the exact amount with a digital scale, it’s not the fact that they cannot wait until they get home.  No the Wankiness reaches its climax during the action of walking around the changing rooms, naked, shaking the life out of the bottle that is probably more effective than the actual workout.

The bollocks swinging side to side, knob dribbling in anticipation of drinking some chocolate flavoured chalk is just far too wanky for a public place, especially during the family swim hour, especially when kids are in the changing rooms, and especially when the door to the pool is open.

2: Not putting equipment away

No excuse, its wanky!!  Especially if you collect half the gym for a circuit you do once then leave it like kid’s playroom. Why get one set of dumbells when you can get 5 sets?  Easy, because you are wanky.

3: Not wiping the sweat up

Sweat has the same constitution as piss.  Work hard in the gym and sweat a bit.  Its not weakness not leaving the body and it surely isn’t fat crying, but it drips out.  Fair enough.  But wipe it up.  Wipe the floor, wipe the seats and when you then sit down on a bench, for fuck’s sake, wipe up the giant sweaty peach left by your arse cheeks.

4: Dropping weights

The bigger the noise, the bigger the gainz.  It’s a recent trend to have gym equipment to make maximum noise to tell everyone in the gym you are a wanker.  This includes, but not exclusive to; medicine balls, sand bags, tyres and silly ropes.   This only now celebrates the wankers who pick up dumbells and stand on a bench to drop them from 2 metres to put dents in the mats.  It is possible to deadlift without telling the whole gym you have done 3 lifts.

5: Hogging Machines

Gone are the days where you can talk to someone and ask if you can work in with someone. Now someone can hog a machine for 30 minutes or more as they do 4 sets of 1 rep but need to update the social media world and write the blog in between sets.  You make the mistake of letting someone in to take a turn only to see them change every setting, cover the machine in sweat and give you a 20 minute rest.

6: Weighing oneself

Some people exercise to lose weight.  Some people train to gain weight.  What I cannot understand is the wanky behaviour of seeing a set of scales and having the urge to stand on them.  People stand in shitty trainers or bare feet but that’s another issue but if you want to weigh yourself, pretend you are Floyd Mayweather and get on in your underwear.  Then you get an accurate reading.  You won’t get an accurate reading if you stand on the scales in your Timberlands, Lonsdale tracksuit, rucksack and 4 litre water bottle.

7: Blow drying bollocks

From a hygiene point of view, blow drying your hands is better than a towel, and getting skidmarks all over your gym towel is a bit much.  But standing with one leg on a bench, blow drying your arse and bollocks whilst holding a conversation is a fucking disgrace.  Have some dignity. I’m not sure if ladies do the same thing with their foof but it’s worse when the old folk do it and their bollocks are at risk of being stepped on by kids.

8: Pissing in the shower

Shower cubicles allow a little modesty, but when the guy in the cubicle 2 doors down from the drain releases a few pints of Iron Bru into the trough,  you know it’s not that he is using Tangerine and Ylang Ylang shower gel, but the filthy bastard has drained the lizard just as he is scrubbing his arsehole.   Start legging it if you see Bran Flakes floating down too.

Filthy Wanker

9: Kipping chin ups

Gym wankers have been to a Crossfit class and have learned the dark art of being able to do reps without doing any reps.  Strutting up to the chin bar like they are about to go on Ninja Warrior, then explode into a frenzy of jerking and thrusting as you stand there in awe and count; Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero

10: Continuous Phone Checking 

Back 20 years ago, you could go into a gym, get a bit of music on, do a work out, maybe write a few notes, have a few swigs of water, get changed and be done in the hour.  Not now though.  The phone is as essential as the protein shake and fat belt.  Warm up, selfie, do 5 reps, check selfie for likes, #gainz, tweet more pics, more selfies, tweet your set, take photos of weights, take photos of yourself in a mirror taking a photo of yourself.  Leave the fucking thing in the locker.

Follow these easy tips to reduce your wanky score!

Collated from contributions from the running community and summarised below.  The Proper Ard committee met over a vegan sausage roll to discuss and shortlist the wank list for illustration of the habits of wanky runners.

10: “Stopping your Garmin at 26.2 miles and claiming a PB when the finish line is half a mile away”

Generally trusting GPS data is ok, but getting an anomaly and suddenly thinking you are Mo Farah.

“New 1 mile PB.” Yes but it’s a PB by 4 minutes and you reached a top speed of 73 mph.  Then claiming distance PBs during a race but the official race finishes further down the road.  You explain the tunnels, tall buildings, gps interference, but they have none of it.  “Its on Strava”

 Wankery  score 7/10

9: “Definitely the ‘Description Wankers’… Sharing their “700 yard run to start to coach the beginners” or “Look at me as I helped Janet finish”… No! Janet was perfectly capable of finishing without your ‘help’ thanks. Or,  naming their runs ‘leg test’ or ‘heavy legs after sunday’ or ‘tempo 5km'”

Strava title wankery is a self esteem protection mechanism thinking people really care about your shit run.  Training session/Long run/Race is absolutely fine.  Not the full instructions to filing your tax return.  Creative Wankery

Wankery score 7/10

8: “Running extra 400m after a run to get a round number or Walking around the house to get to 10000 steps.  “

An obsession with distances can easily be changed by using Miles or KMs but once your run is done, the extra 200m or 10 steps to the shitter and back makes no bloody difference.  Running up and down a path to get the extra 10m when everyone else has stopped is total wankery

Wankery Score 7/10

7: “When they making out completing an ultra is an achievement, when in actual fact they have walked/jogged/had a 3 course meal/done a sudoku in the middle of it.”

Ultras take a bit of effort to complete, but you have not crossed the Sahara unsupported.  If you went on a weekend in the Lakes, you would do the same thing, but maybe stop in a pub rather than an aid station and not wear a number.   Completing without trying is Ultra  wankery

Wankery Score 8/10

6: “Wearing headphones on a multi lap race and not being aware of faster runners lapping them. But then wearing headphones In a race generally is a wanky thing to do!”

Headphones and music, podcasts, books is acceptable.  Whatever motivates your  TRAINING , long runs, interest, education etc but NOT in a race.  It’s ignorant to others, marshals, volunteers and other runners who will politely shout, “on your right” but you are too much of a wanker to hear them.   Boss Level Wankery

Wankery Score 8/10

5: “Stopping a watch during rests of a 12 x 400m interval session and claiming a new 5k PB”

Yes, its 4800m, but that’s the point.  Doing any interval session that gives a cumulative distance close to a race distance and claiming that you may be able to keep that up for the whole thing.  With a warm up run, the garmin may report a 5k pb if you stopped the watch on the rest intervals.   You have a Phd in Wankery to do this

Wankery  score 9/10

4: “Specifically going out to beat a single Strava segment”

Waiting for a tailwind, walking and jogging to get there, then unleashing hell along the road like Usain Bolt just to get that digital crown and annoy a local runner who jogged the route whilst visiting the family.    Olympic Level Wankery

Wankery score: 10/10

3: Heel clicks

Jumping in the air for a photo and doing a really wankery pose/face.   If you can do that, then try running harder.  Jumping in front of others to do this and spoil their photo is professional standard wankery

Extreme Wankery  11/10

2: “Ensuring you take a video when the weather is horrible/cold so everyone know what a legend you are for being out in it.”

People can generally use their eyes to see the weather, but putting safety at risk just for Instagram and Twitter likes by saying you went out in the brutal weather and are hard as fuck.  Best of all, you take photos of your legs with long socks on to show you are proper hard for wearing shorts or you post photos of muddy shoes and legs in case your fans question that your off road run was muddy.

Proper ard Wankery

Wankery Score 12/10

1: “Taking selfies/timed pictures, every single time they go for a run”

It borders on narcissism. Taking the odd selfie is one thing, but every single run and posting on a daily basis is craving attention. Run somewhere different or interesting and stage a photo for a memory, but to feel you have to do this every run and sometimes the same staged jump over a log from 2-3 different angles is too far.  You may be better off doing some training instead.  Making videos of your training runs going through styles and over bridges is grounds for being known as Field Marshal Wanker, you hold the wanking gauntlet of all wank stones.  You need to change your name to Wayne Kerr.

Wankery score 110/10

I posted a tweet because everyone who is an authority/expert in running like myself was doing it.  Yes, people do a Top 9, 10 Year Challenge, Selfies, Throwbacks etc but I’m above that being a leading name in running.

The tweet was this.

“What races are you doing this year”

With a 900 follower fake account, which all  followers responded to. The hundreds of retweets and shares, the number of responses went into the 10s of thousands.  I’ve never met any of the followers, and don’t know any of them.  I don’t really give a shit what they had for breakfast, what their cat does with a Christmas tree, how many pairs of fucking trainers someone has but within seconds of the tweet, the notifications went mad.

Sweatyflaps1234 is doing her first 1k virtual run in November

Hugh J Rection is running a 350 mile ultra marathon having broken his leg and ballooned up to 30 stone

IsaacHunt44 from Nottingham wants to come 15th in his age group at parkrun

TriathlonGod is doing European sprint Aquathlon Champs and hoping to come 25th Brit

Janetfromtheblock is aiming to run a sub 10 hour marathon as its part of a runstreak

CheesySteve is hoping to run from Yeovil to Exeter gently increasing the pace and looking for a finishing spurt

I was inundated with pointless responses from people I’ve no wish to ever meet, all thinking for some reason I give a toss about their run.   No!!!   I only care about ME.  ME first.  ME second, ME third.

I did my research and found the perfect response.  No matter what your fitness level, no matter what your experience, age, health condition, training status or level of the goal set the response seemed to be the same.  Regardless of whether the running goal was to break the 2 hour marathon, run across USA in 2 days or qualify for Kona Ironman world championships despite coming last in your age group, it seems that the twitter etiquette is simple.

“Believe in yourself, you will smash it”

So every time you see that written, remember it applies to you as I have no wish to respond, neither do I really care what races you are doing.

Simple 3 step plan to make this the year you break your parkrun PB.

1. Check on parkrun website for your current PB
2. Go to a parkrun, run faster than you did for your PB
3. Ring some sort of Klaxon to tell everyone

Vote for my blog

Link in bio

I bought these gels that the best runner in the world apparently uses.  Maurten Nutrition

I bought a couple to try.  They are 40 sheets a box of 12, that’s over £3 a gel.  Fucking hell!!

Ingredients.

• Water
• Glucose
• Fuck knows
• Chalk
• Glue and Acid
• Salty Algae

Gels are designed to be able to take when you are running, but you need to spend £30 on a belt to carry them.  They fall out of pockets, the foil based wrappers scratch your balls if you stick em down your pants or they burst in your hands if you carry them.

Mid way through a recovery tempo 20k, I tried one.

Took it out of my pants, sharing the space with now bleeding gonads and stuck the top of the wrapper in my mouth.  Hmmm, tastes of stilton.

I ripped off the tab and squeezed.

Nothing!

Tried again,

Nothing!

Now had to bit into it with my incisors to get a hole and squeeze again.

I got a taste.  Not much but a taste.  It was not really cheese now, a bit salty though.

From the website:

This is the GEL. It’s a bold statement. But nonetheless true. From a technical perspective, traditional gels are water and carbohydrates simply mixed into syrups, often containing added flavours and preservatives. The GEL 100 is completely different. It’s a biopolymer matrix, filled with a unique blend of fructose and glucose (ratio of 0.8:1) which enables uptakes of up to 100 grams of carbohydrates per hour.

The GEL 100 is built by harnessing natural hydrogel technology and built with six natural ingredients. It doesn’t contain any colorants or preservatives and comes in 40g servings that contains 60% carbohydrates – a high weight to energy ratio.

In other words, it tastes shite!

I bit again, squeezed some more, built up the pressure and eventually a huge globule of ectoplasm burst into my mouth.  It had the consistency of hacked up mucus after a sightseeing tour of Beijing and the missed excess running down my chin like a cheap porn film actress.

I chewed the bit that was in my mouth, but then stopped the run, spat it out and wiped my mouth.  I tried to throw the wrapper in a bin, but it was stuck to the hand, then the other hand, then both hands.

3k later, a flock of starlings decided to exit my arsehole. Luckily I found a bush and some dry leaves, but glad of the 7k left to finish with an itchy ring.

It was bloody awful.

Think I’ll stick to haribo.

Proper Ard’s guide to gyming in the new year.

January is approaching so you take advantage of the gym membership offers that rely on people going once, then forgetting to cancel their direct debit, never use the gym again and become the perfect member.   This is a guide on how to make that one session you do, really count and kickstart your 2019 to be a year of GainZ

1. Tell everyone in the house  “I’m off to the gym”
2. Tweet that you are off to the gym, and update your story
3. Text all your family to let them know you are off to the gym
4. Let your MP know you are off to the gym
5. Email Ban-Ki Moon, Donald Trump and the family of Boutros Boutros Ghali to tell them you are off to the gym.
6. Drive to the gym
7. Try to park as close to the gym as possible, taking advantage of any parent and child spaces as they should not be out at this time of night anyway
8. Walk the 5 steps to the gym with your 3 bags.
9. Bump into a friend, and ask them  “what are you doing down here?”
10. Strut into the changing rooms with bags on your shoulder and stand on the scales
11. Respond to every conversation with “Just getting back into it”
12. Put on your gazelles, Lonsdale pants, 5 t shirts to make yourself look massive, huge headphones and a backwards turned visor or cap
13. Start on the treadmill to do your 20 minutes of cardio.
14. Take 45 selfies and then post on Instagram and twitter once every minute that you are on a Dreadmill and hate it, but you are getting it Done
15. After 20 minutes, press start
16. Walk for 5 minutes, hating every minute but remember to update with more selfies and show you you have completed 1000 steps.
17. Go to the weights zone and puff your chest out, looking proper solid
18. Sit on a weights machine for 10 minutes, doing fuck all but checking responses to your tweet.
19. Repeat on 3 more machines
20. Oggle at fitter looking male/female gym users in the mirror reflection for 5 minutes
21. Pick up some dumbells, take them to the mats, stand on a bench to drop them on the floor from maximum height and then take more selfies
22. Walk off leaving the weights behind.
23. Sit on a rowing machine and take more selfies
24. Row flat out for 3 seconds, give up and head to the changing rooms
25. Get out protein shaker, fill with water, making sure everyone in there notices you have one.
26. Shake hard for 10 minutes
27. Take off 5 T Shirts, stare at the mirror, take more selfies
28. Stand on scales, tag the posts with “Transformation Monday, I just lost 5kg in one session”
29. Get dressed, and sit in the lounge/reception area sharing a full report of your session on Strava
30. Post on every running forum that you have been on a treadmill and hated it

I woke up at 6am, did my quick 60 min run, got back in at 6.50, had a cold shower, put some overnight oats on the stove with my stab proof coffee and sat down to write my blog.

Todays blog is about testing the unilite Neon.  You can buy it here.     Remember to get in touch for discount and more impartial reviews

I got it for free, so it’s the best light ever.  I have other headtorches but they were not free, so I owe them nothing.  No reviews of them, they are shit.

My old headtorch is a candle stuck to a visor with some white KT tape, which is also shit.  To test them fairly, impartially and honestly, I did a few head to head challenges.

Round 1: Finding the Xmas tree in the loft

Every year, I’ve committed to a Christmas Tree streak of going into the loft and getting the Christmas tree out,  taking it downstairs and decorating my erection with balls, lights and chocolate.  The first challenge is to find it. My loft is well deep and well dark.  I tried with the Candlisor and couldn’t see a thing.  A bit of draught from the roof times and fucker went out.

The Unilite Neon was like having a light on.  It lit up the loft, powered through the draughts and spotted the Christmas tree in seconds.

1-0 to the Neon

Round 2: Scaring the Doggers

I go tempo running around some local known dogging haunts and creep up on the filthy participants and shine the light under my face in the window.  Its a right laugh and makes for a cracking selfie.  Especially when you share the number plate with the local sheriff.

Candlisor

Fucking useless.  Couldn’t see a thing.   Just about kept it alight but about as much use as a compression sock video.

Neon

They jumped into the back seat with tinted windows. Didn’t try and get closer as my Candlisor would go out but gave them a right scare.  Got closer, shone the torch in their face and took the number plate.   Dirty bastards

2-0 to the Neon

Round 3: Searching for Cock Mags

These same country lanes are well known for supermarket delivery drivers to stop with a copy of Tits Monthly and knock one out mid delivery. Sometimes you can taste the difference when you order apples but usually they launch their adult merchandise out the window and you can find pages of bush in the bush.

Candlisor

Bastard thing went out.  Didn’t have any matches either.

Neon

Had a good rummage around in the bush, but found nothing. Looked for about 20 minutes, which I can log on twitter later

• 6amclub quick 60 minute run
• 1 x bodycoach abs
• 1 x yoga stiff back
• 20 minute treadmill, not plugged in
• 5 minute protein shake
• 10 minute run
• 20 minute searching for cock mags
• 10 minute run
• 5 minute shower

Nothing.  Not even a Debenhams catalogue was to be found. Obviously someone had been out plogging and tweeting about it earlier in the day.

3-0 to the Neon

Final round: Bringing down a drugs plane

Candlisor

Gone out.  Conceded to the Unilite

Neon

Pointed the Neon up to the sky, looking for a Mexican drug cartel deliver trying to circle and land at Manchester airport.  Looked up for 10 minutes and apart from someone walking like Bez from Happy Monday asking where the party was, there was nothing.

No result so have to call it a draw.

Final Score

Unilite Neon 3- 0 Candlisor

If you like this blog, there are some running award where you have to vote for the best blog and the winner gets to send their missus off with the kids for the weekend while they get shitfaced and take selfies.  I’m going to win next year.